Helping Your Child Cope with the Loss of a Pet
2020 was difficult for a lot reasons, but the hardest part for our family was losing two pets. Both animals were young and their deaths were very sudden and unexpected. The most devastating loss was my daughter’s favorite cat, Henry. Up to that point, she had never experienced any sort of death in her life. While I’m grateful for that, it didn’t make Henry’s passing easier to bear.
I’m not an expert in helping children through losing a pet by any means, but I wanted to share things that helped us work through grief. I was scouring the internet and asking Instagram friends for suggestions to help. I wished that there was a place that had all those resources compiled in one place, which is why I created this post.
If you are here because you have recently experienced the loss of a beloved pet, I am so sorry. To not only say goodbye to an animal you loved, but also watching your child grieve is heart-wrenching. Four months later, we still cry and miss our pets, but we’re thankful for all the fond memories they left us with.
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Talk About It
Maybe this sounds obvious, but talking about how you’re feeling and how you miss your pet is crucial, especially if your child is a verbal processor. Sometimes it feels like the best choice is to try to be strong for your kids, but it’s important for them to see you grieve too. Our whole family cried together and there was something so cathartic and healing in that. We didn’t feel isolated or alone in our grief.
I also think it’s important to use the word death. Children don’t understand ambiguous terms like “passed away,” or “went to sleep,” so it can confuse them.
Make a Gravestone
Burying our animals was hard, but also very helpful in bringing closure. We created our own headstones with a piece of wood and a wood burning tool, but you could decorate a stone or something else to mark where they are buried.
Even if you decide to cremate your pet, having a gravestone is helpful. For weeks, my daughter visited her cat’s grave every single day. Sometimes she would bring pieces of food and leave them there or talk to him. It made her feel closer to him, even though he was gone.
Make a Scrapbook or Memory Book
After our cat died, my daughter wanted to look at pictures of him on my phone all the time. We did that a lot, but then I realized it would be so beneficial for her to have a scrapbook that she could look at any time she needed to.
She did the entire scrapbook herself. She spent time remembering her kitty, his snuggles, and laughing at his silliness. She still often looks at this scrapbook at night or any time she is missing him more than normal. We made a paw print of his and included that in the scrapbook also.
I love to scrapbook, so I already had a lot of materials and stickers that were great for this project. While you could pick up everything you needed at craft store, if you’re not the crafty type or don’t have the money to buy a lot of supplies, a memory book is another wonderful option. This memory book is an inexpensive, yet amazing option. My sister purchased it for my daughter and sent it to her. There are lots of great questions to answer about your pet to remember them and every page has a spot to put a picture (or draw one, if your child would rather).
Tell Other People
Some people prefer to grieve privately and that’s totally okay. If that’s you, feel free to dismiss this tip. For our family, telling people we lost our cat was really hard, but it ended up being so beneficial. We had family members send really special cards to my daughter that she has kept in Henry’s scrapbook. We had librarians who ordered in special books about grief for her (more on that in the next section). We had another librarian friend make cat nip toys to cheer up our remaining two kitties who just weren’t themselves without their friend. And when my daughter had a piano lesson and just couldn’t play, her piano teacher shared her story of losing a pet and played special songs for her. Having that outpouring of compassion and understanding made a huge difference for my daughter.
Read Books
There are a lot of amazing books out there to help a child who is grieving. It puts into words what they are feeling and normalizes feeling sad, angry, confused, unsure. There is such a torrent of emotions that they’ve never felt before and exploring that in a book helps immensely. Here are a few books that really helped us:
I’m starting with my favorite one right off the bat. This book is about a fox and his pet dog, who do everything together, but their favorite thing to do is garden. When the dog dies one day, everything the fox once loved now hurts to look at. This book not only shows sadness, but also shows how grief can make us angry, which I really appreciated.
The Day Tiger Rose Said Goodbye
This one is about an elderly kitty who knows she’s about to die, so she goes around and says goodbye to everyone and everything she loves. They don’t realize that she’s about to pass, but she does. My daughter’s favorite part of this book was the end, where there was a cloud shaped like the kitty looking down on her family.
Whether you believe animals go to heaven or not, this book is so sweet. It was fun to imagine Henry no longer in pain and enjoying all the things he once loved.
This is the only book on this list we didn’t read, but I wanted to include it any way, as it’s the dog version of the Cat Heaven book. If you’re specifically looking for a book about dogs, I’ve heard this one is amazing. It was recommended to me by a friend, but I discovered there was a cat version, so we read that one instead.
The Tenth Good Thing About Barney
When a little boy’s dog dies, at the funeral, his father suggests he shares ten things he loved about his dog. Try as he might, he can only come up with nine. One day, he discovers that his dog’s buried body helps the flowers grow and that becomes the tenth good thing he loves about his dog.
In this book about a boy losing his very special dog, grief is dealt with, but so is moving on. When the little boy feels ready to get another dog, he reassures his dog that he will still always love him. I think it’s important to express to our kids that deciding to get another pet isn’t forgetting or replacing our old pet.
This beautifully illustrated picture book is about a little girl losing her elderly dog. Her parents suggest getting another pet, but she just isn’t ready yet. This book is wonderful for expressing that it’s okay to move on and get a new pet, but it’s also okay to not be ready yet.
If you have any resources that have helped your children cope with loss, please feel free to share them in the comments section below.
